We didn’t catch a disease – our daughter just died. As far as we know it isn’t contagious.
I thought it might be best to clear that up, for those avoiding us like the plague. We are still Dan, Kate & Sophie. Sophie just isn’t physically with us anymore. But she existed. Pretending she didn’t doesn’t make her less real. Avoiding the subject doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
Here’s the thing – you can’t say anything that helps. I hope that takes some pressure off! Whatever you say doesn’t bring Sophie back & won’t fix us, but what you don’t say speaks volumes.
It is possible to say the wrong thing, but trust me we’ve probably heard worse, and we’re not so easily offended these days. Also, have you met me? I once asked a lady with one arm if she needed a hand; I can guarantee I’ve said the wrong thing more times than you have.
It’s fine to not have answers and for Sophie dying to not fit in with your theology. We don’t have the answers either and we aren’t asking you to find them. Equally we don’t need you to find the positives & blessings in our situation for us. Just let us feel what we feel, and acknowledge that it’s shit. We can handle that!
Occasionally I might get emotional while I talk about Sophie. That isn’t because you’ve upset me, it’s because I loved my girl and I miss her. But I’m not going to fall apart if you mention her name. For the record I’m pretty good at giving pre warning for a full scale meltdown so you have time to remember somewhere you have to be and quickly vacate the scene.
At a recent appointment a lady asked us whether we had kids and I said one. She asked how old the baby is now, and I explained she had died just before she turned 9 months old. Normally that shuts people up; they go red and change the subject as quickly as possible. She didn’t. She asked what her name was. She understood that just because Sophie died doesn’t mean she isn’t part of our lives, and I was absolutely made up she had.
I promise that mentioning Sophie doesn’t upset us. Acting like she was never part of our lives does, especially when she was part of yours too. It’s also quite difficult for us to pretend that the last 2 years of our lives didn’t happen, it limits conversation somewhat!
Life moves on, we enter new chapters. We don’t have a choice; if we want to survive this we have to take part in that. We are moving too. But doing that doesn’t mean we forget Sophie or that she becomes any less part of who we are. She comes with us.
I’m not saying all we want to talk about is Sophie. I think we’re doing a pretty good job of living as best we can without her. But I am saying we can tell when you’re avoiding us or tiptoeing around the topic in case we explode. We won’t explode (well, Danny won’t….I can’t promise I won’t!) – we are pretty honest and open and the thing we appreciate most is you being open with us.
One of the more helpful things I’ve read is this:
“If you know someone who has lost a child, and you’re afraid to mention the child because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died – you’re not reminding them. They didn’t forget she died. What you’re reminding them is that you remembered that she lived, and that is a great gift”.
So if you’d have crossed the road when you saw us before we had Sophie, then feel free to continue doing so. But don’t just avoid us or the mention of our daughter because you’re worried about upsetting us more; she’s the best thing that happened to us and our favourite topic!