Last night for the first time in a while I slept. All night. I woke up a few times but for the first time in ages, I didn’t dream about the hospital, Sophie dying, us leaving her, and I didn’t jump awake and spend hours in the dark replaying everything that happened and what I could have done differently. So I woke up feeling pretty positive about the day!

Then I dropped Danny at work. As I was driving home, I sat in traffic watching parents doing the school run. It hit me again, even though I should be well used to it by now, that I was going home to an empty house. I got home, and spent some time wrapping Danny’s presents for his birthday. A birthday that he doesn’t really want to have because the one thing he wants he can’t have (I’m talking about Sophie not the golf clubs Pete!!). A birthday that instead of looking forward to like we used to, we are just hoping to get through because it’s another milestone without Sophie.

I decided I was being too miserable so went on Facebook as a distraction – my first mistake! Facebook memories popped straight up with a reminder that this time two years ago we were announcing that we were expecting Sophie. Ironically with Costa cups….who knew how much time we actually would end up spending in that place! The next memory reminded me that this time last year I was being bullied into singing The Grand Old Duke of York on repeat for hours because it was the only thing that would stop Sophie fuming at me that day! The harshest thing about that is I’ve now got The Grand Old Duke of York stuck in my head, but no Sophie to laugh at me while I sing it. The rest of Facebook is just full of posts either about how #blessed people are, or dramas created from the most minor of problems. I could rant about that (in fact I have, but Danny won’t let me post it because he said we’ll have no mates left!).

So the mood has somehow changed from feeling pretty okay, to feeling really shitty.  I guess I’ve got a decision to make about how the rest of my day goes. The temptation now is to get into bed, have a nap for an hour or two and write the day off as a shit one. But I don’t have to choose that. If I let myself look back I’ll see that I’ve waded through days filled with waves of absolute despair and I’ve nearly drowned a few times, but survived every time. So I can paddle through this rainy day if I want to. If I choose to.

Life is moving very quickly on, and the seasons change. Everyone around us is carrying on with their normal lives; some close to us still struggle with us, but for everyone life has to continue. And unfortunately everyone includes us. These days normal life comes more naturally – we are more used to Sophie not being physically with us. I don’t have to remind myself to breathe in and out as much, I don’t have to convince myself to make it to the end of the day as much. The moments of complete terror and despair are fewer, and the calm between the waves is longer and more frequent. I’ve started to experience there being space in my heart for absolute sorrow and heart break but also a feeling of anticipation and hope for a future that we could have. There are things in life that I enjoy (mainly food, I won’t lie about that). But we still have to choose that future most days.

While the waves of grief are somewhat less overwhelming, life is in some ways harder because we are expected to function more normally now but with the same level of pain we have carried all year. People want us to reintegrate into society, be excited about the future and start enjoying life again. And in a lot of ways we are making ourselves do that. But that doesn’t come easily to us. Choosing to live not survive becomes a harder decision as time passes as it involves bigger steps each time.

Some things are still too hard to do. So bear with us when we say we can’t come to that event, or on the day we don’t feel up to doing what we planned to do. It’s been 8 months not 8 years. We’re not just being anti social (well not all of the time anyway) – we’re doing the best we can and some days our best is still just surviving the day. If our excuses  are feeble, our intentions aren’t. We still need you even if we can’t face seeing you today. If you can’t understand the decisions we make – maybe just be glad you can’t and let us get on with getting through. We’ve got a rough few months ahead of us. But we are choosing to keep living where we can. We aren’t who we used to be, but we’re okay with that; we’re starting to learn who we are becoming now in this new time of our lives. And we are grateful for those who have walked with us and got us this far. The seasons will keep changing, we will keep walking, and we will get there. Keep walking with us.