The Garden’s guide to surviving grief as a couple

Now we don’t want to brag, but we know that we are pretty much the model couple. It’s all too easy to look at us and think “#relationshipgoals”. You only have to look at the photo at the bottom of this post to feel inspired by us.

Hopefully you will never be in the situation we have been in, but everybody grieves at some point, be it for a family member, a pet goldfish or Will from the Good Wife.

So we thought we’d share some handy tips on getting through grief together as a couple, and hopefully help you to come out of the experience half as radiant as we are.

These suggestions ideally work best if you are starting off as polar opposites emotionally; it makes for a much more fun journey. If by some misfortune you are partnered with someone who is very similar to you, you can still survive, you will just need to work a bit harder.

• An absolute base rule is to make sure you are both at different stages of the grieving process at any given time. The ideal combination is one at acceptance and the other at denial.  Nobody wants two people having a breakdown at the same time; frankly that’s boring and just plain needy. It’s much more interesting to not have a clue what your partner is going through or going on about. Space those stages out. To add some extra spice to the relationship, you can throw a curve ball by suddenly reverting back to a stage that you both thought you were through with. Keeps everyone on their toes.

 

• If your partner looks like they seem to be coping better than you that day, feel free to gently and lovingly knock them down a peg or two by showing them photos (or even better – videos) of the one you have lost. Works a treat – they become a mess and you feel much better about how you’re doing.

 

• Don’t be tempted to talk to each other on a day to day basis about how you’re doing. It’s much better to bottle that shit up until you drive each other mad and are both convinced that the other half is leaving you, then have absolute murder over the most minute issue you can find, and let all those feelings out then. We find that clears the air much more effectively than open communication, and saves time and energy through the day for things like watching telly and talking about food.

 

• You will always have those friends who don’t want to know how you are but want to tell you how great you’re doing, and how much this experience has brought you closer together and strengthened you. Do not shatter this illusion. Make sure to always keep up your best appearances for those friends – you don’t want to disappoint them, and heaven forbid you should slip and they catch a glimpse of reality – they don’t need that kind of stress in their lives. A spot of PDA and a few phrases about how #blessed you feel to have each other will do the trick.

 

• When the time does come to have some deep heart to heart conversations, ensure you ask your partner questions that really delve into the heart of your issues, including your past and present situation. Some of our favourites include “were you born in a barn?”, “why are you so emotionally crippled?” and “why the f@%k do my pillows fall down the back of the bed every night and yours don’t?”. These are really great conversation starters in our house & lead to some interesting chats.
• *Bonus tip – the optimum time to discuss deep issues is when your other half is just about to fall asleep, or, even better, has just gone to sleep. They will love nothing more than being woken up to talk about their feelings, or discuss why they can go to sleep when you can’t.

 

• If you are really missing your loved one, you may find it helpful to have a focus, such as starting a campaign to get a pet. Your partner (especially if they actively dislike pets) will really enjoy this, and it will in no way add to any household tension. Get the mother in law involved if you can – it will really help to convince your partner.

 

• Pointing out how you feel your partner could improve in the way they handle their grief is always a positive part of the healing process.

Those are but a few helpful hints that we have learned over the last year. Obviously we are only a relatively short way into our grieving journey, so I’m sure our wisdom can only grow as we travel – we’ll be sure to share as we learn.

Happy grieving!